Excellent set of tutorials these. I am inclined to agree with Jered the first example being better. It’s simple and easy to read. And it did create a nice picture in my mind. I was somehow lost while reading the second example and thought it was too long.

Another thing to discuss is the length of narratives. I guess, if you are able to generate interest in the first few sentences, then the reader is inclined to go the full distance. But isn’t a long narrative an initial distraction?

Will be glad to know what you think?

While I agree that creating reader involvement is an essential element to all good copy, I disagree with you in your peach example above.

The first of the two examples, in my analysis, is the better of the two.

While many writers struggle to create the vivid images you provide in the second example, some writers overuse imagery and ruin the copy with unnecessary descriptive words. Your second example is simply “showing off” of your descriptive word vocabulary and distances the writing from the reader in it’s structural complexity. In this case, the second example is doing the exact opposite of involving the reader.

The first example is superior because it is clear, concise and direct and the images you use are involving enough.

The majority of your audience knows the experience of tasting a peach. Just the word peach should be enough to make your mouth water.

The majority of your audience can picture a grandmother in her backyard picking peaches out of her tree. Without knowing anything of your grandmother, I can already guess that she’s charming and her backyard is beautiful.

Most of the involvement work is already done for you in the fact that we associate strong positive emotions with things that are natural. Peaches, Backyards, and a Grandmother’s loving care are all things that we associate with natural beauty.

My one suggestion is to lose the exclamation point. There is nothing worse than someone yelling in the middle of a sale that focuses on relaxing and enjoying the fruits of nature.

I hope this helps.

Oh, and by the way, how much are these peaches selling for?

I might buy some, as they sound delicious! lol

Thank God for search engines.

Unfortunately, there currently are pears on the counter in the kitchen here. However, rest assured – we are adding peaches to the grocery list…